Rambling: Winter stress

I hate this time of year.

So, I’m moving– I’m outta this place on the 22nd. I’m liking my new house a lot. My tenants? Well, we’ll see. They’re JW’s. They know my grandpa. I’m pretty sure their kids went to school with my siblings for a while.

Yeah. I feeling a little paranoid. They’re getting kind of pushy already. And Grandma (who’s on title– it’s a long story) hasn’t exactly put her foot down. She pretty much promised to rent to them, and put me in a position where I couldn’t say “no.” At least, not without causing all sorts of other issues and making myself look like the world’s biggest asshole. She avoided telling me exactly who she made this promise to as long as possible. She’d wait until I was distracted– the night before a term paper was due, for example– to tell me things, then insist on an answer right then and there. She changed the subject whenever I brought it up. My grandma is an expert at giving answers that don’t actually tell you anything useful– the grand master of bullshitting.

I’m a little peeved.

It gets worse: my accident happened in late December. Driving is really panicky for me, especially at night. It brings up memories that I really don’t want to think about.

After my accident, I needed several blood transfusions (massive intestinal ruptures = contamination of the entire circulatory system.)

JW’s are forbidden to have blood transfusions. Fortunately for me, my mom doesn’t buy into that kind of bullshit. But my Grandpa does, and he made sure that we all knew the doctrine. It’s one of those “family politics” things– my parents had screwed up, my grandparents were helping out, and one of my Grandpa’s conditions for helping was that we were to be raised in the “Truth.”

The same “Truth” which dictated that I shouldn’t have received the blood transfusions that saved my life. The same “Truth” which lead others to assure me that it wasn’t my fault that I’d received the blood transfusions that saved my life. Yes, you read that right.

JW’s are also forbidden from celebrating “Christmas.” My parents, Aunt, and Grandma always celebrated, but it was kept secretive– Grandpa couldn’t know. It was a time of sneaking around and keeping lies, and for what? I don’t think I ever really bought in to the whole Jesus thing. The Santa illusion never even got a chance, thanks to my Grandpa.

The whole thing makes me wish I could just… I dunno, hibernate over the winter or something.

Fundie logic: Same-sex marriage = bad, inciting violence against queers = good

Gary Cass, of the Christian Anti-Defamation Commision, has decided quite firmly that hate crime laws violate his rights- despite, of course, his apparent lack on knowledge as to what entails a hate crime. So as a means of protesting this perceived unfairness, he has called upon clergy to incite hate crimes.

I can see this going one of two ways:

1. Those who listen to what he says stick to the standard “god hates queers” crap. Nothing changes, but he counts it as a success because no one is arrested; or
2. Someone takes his words and actively advocates violence against queers, leading to an actual attack on a queer (or someone who’s assumed to be such) that can be traced back to him. Any action- including protests and other acts that don’t involve legal repercussions to preachers- taken will immediately be seen as justification of his original point.

For those of you who aren’t aware, the US hate crimes bill explicitly states that protected speech is, well, protected.

(6) CONSTITUTIONAL PROTECTIONS- Nothing in this division shall be construed to prohibit any constitutionally protected speech, expressive conduct or activities (regardless of whether compelled by, or central to, a system of religious belief), including the exercise of religion protected by the first amendment to the Constitution of the United States and peaceful picketing or demonstration. The Constitution of the United States does not protect speech, conduct or activities consisting of planning for, conspiring to commit, or committing an act of violence.

What really pisses me off, though, is the fact that this guy- and a whole slew of others like him- are still pretending that we’re the ones without morals. ‘Cause, hey, we aren’t conforming to their idealized heteronormative and cisnormative roles. And that’s waay worse than advocating vandalism, assault, and other crimes meant to terrorize a marginalized group of people.

H/T Waymon

A rock and a hard place

So I mentioned in my last post that my grandpa is a Jehovah’s Witness. This has caused no end of turmoil in my life.

Yesterday, I received another lecture on how “worldly” I’m becoming, and how wonderful it would be if I started coming to JW meetings. This has been a common theme in my life- I’m thinking for myself? I’m too worldly! I don’t adhere to the patriarchal gender roles proscribed by his religious leaders? I need spiritual help!

My grandparents, as much as I love them, have made transitioning all but impossible- at least, unless I’m willing to sacrifice my education. You see, long ago he decided he’d pay for “Sara’s” education- but I seriously doubt that he’d say the same for Sean. I’ve been looking for a job since the summer, and I’ve still yet to get a single call back. My grandma says “don’t worry about it, focus on your schooling,” but without a job, I can’t pay for therapy. I can’t live as a guy full time. Even if I somehow managed to meet the requirements, I wouldn’t be able to afford hormones. And despite her claims that any time I need money, I can just ask her, there are some things I just can’t ask for money for.

I feel guilty whenever she gives me money. I feel useless, like I shouldn’t be relying on anyone else for anything. She says she’d rather give me the money, knowing that I’m trying to make something of myself, rather than give it to my aunt, mom, or cousin, all of whom have serious issues.

Anyways, back to grandpa. He’s not doing so well these days. I’m not sure how much longer he’s going to be around. Our relationship isn’t as good as it could be, and I feel guilty- even though the only way to make it better seems to be to deny everything that I am and adhere to his belief system, something which I’m not willing to do. It’s bad enough that I feel the need to lie about myself to him, I don’t want to carry those lies over into the rest of my life.  And instead, I’m watching our relationship crumble. Sometimes, I think that it’ll be somewhat of a relief when he’s gone- and there’s more guilt to pile on, because I don’t have enough in my life.

A rock and a hard place, indeed.

The Vatican can blow me.

Remember that little pedophilia scandal, where the RCC went through all that trouble to hide those child molesting priests? Sure ya do! Well, they’ve released a new statement. Apparently, it was all teh gheyz. And other religions aren’t any better.

There are so many tangents I could follow up on- the fact that boys were far more accessible to the molestors and thus were more likely to be victimized, for example. Or, how the Vatican hasn’t released anything to corroborate the victim demographics. Or maybe, I could talk about the utter stupidity of conflating individuals who rape others (as in, forcing someone to have sex with you against their will) with those who engage in consensual relationships- especially since none of the research out there supports the idea that homosexual individuals are more likely to molest kids than heterosexual ones.

But there’s plenty of people out there who can elaborate on all of the above mentioned issues- most likely, better than I can. Google is your friend, and I’m too lazy to look up links.

Instead, I’ve gotta comment on the utter bullshittery of acting as if the abuse by RCC clergy was somehow not as bad because *gasp* clergy from other religions have molested kids, too! So, it really doesn’t matter that they actively worked to hide the molesting priests, shipping them off from parish to parish.

Seriously, what will it take to get the Vatican to admit that they fucked up?

Oh, wait, it’s the Vatican. The guys who came up with the idea of “Papal Infallibility.” Now, there’s an idea that makes sense: “Our holy text says humans are all flawed. But no one’s gonna listen to us if we admit that we can make mistakes- hey, let’s say that our guy is infallible!” Nope, no contradiction there at all. The Pope said so, and don’t you know he’s infallible?

( And yes, I know the idea of papal infallibility is more complicated than that, but that doesn’t make it make any more sense…)